A Great Memory

One of my favorite Memories with Laura Lee was I hiking trip we took. Our first hike was great she was the most unique and open woman I had ever met. Without any doubt she was boldly true, kindhearted and good. Still she is charming as the devil on your shoulder. Still that wasn't my favorite hike.

In the middle of winter the forest of South Mountain in Essex co. N.J was completely blanked with snow and sheets of Ice. I rough it and hike in the winter often and she won me over even faster being gung-ho about taking the hike. We wanted to see the waterfall in winter. All the icicles growing down the mouth of the fault. Well that was our objective.

We got to South Mountain and tried to park near the falls. Seemingly unfortunate, we couldn't get into that entrance because of all the heavy snowfall we experienced here for the last week. However, that turned our trip into something even more special. Parking about 2 miles away from the falls on the other side of the Rahway river we began our trek down a long icy slope. Slipping, sliding trying to balance we grabbed each other close and continued slowly. All the time we were fighting for balance and holding each other closer and closer. She was not detoured. Neither was I. 

It was cold but our bodies entwined walking as one kept us warm. a 20 minute hike became a three hour affair. Filled with joy and affection, love blossoming in the dead of winter. We talked about everything and nothing, slipping grateful smiles and puppy eyes the entire time. Sharing or our lives of our past and our hopes for the future. It was one of the greatest 3 hours of my life. I write one of, there were many others and they were mostly with Laura Lee.

Trekking past deep ravines across ice capped stone bridges we worked closer and closer to our destination. We took time to enjoy the beauty of the park as I took time to enjoy the beauty of the first woman I've ever truly loved. The thought that I had loved in the past was shattered that day. I knew our love would be something great right then and there. Though, I foolishly lost her the greatness was realized through our Rosalie.

When we reached the falls they did not disappoint. We sat on snow covered stone work holding each other close taking in the beauty. We laughed and laughed recalling the last 2 hours getting to this point. Then continued to laugh and bring simple loving happiness to each other as we talked of work, our dogs, each other and took pictures.

We trekked back after that slightly more briskly. (somehow) We were both dying for a warm cup of coffee. That was something we did a lot back then. I miss our drives for coffee, the time together, the conversations, the dreaming, the support.....     

To My Dearest Laura,

    I had failed you I couldn't hold it together when you fell into depression. The truth is so did I. For nearly a year we spent almost every moment together, happy, in love. About two months in our pregnancy I felt completely abandoned. It was like a switch went off and you had no love for me. I had worked 2 jobs did the cooking and cleaning, tried my best to fulfill any need you had. I don't write that as if it was a burden. It wasn't I could do that for you forever, forever with your love, respect, and appreciation for it. When those things left I lost myself . Completely came unhinged. Those things did return from you months later but by then I was full blown into addiction and very sick.

   I repaired myself  not only for you, for Rosalie, or I but for our dreams. You were also sick coming out of the pregnancy. I tried so hard to talk to you but every time met with aggression then abruptly with lets give it a chance. It was a roller coaster, an unbalance I spotted. For I know you well, better than anyone. You refused to see it til much later. Not any fault to give just sadness. I love you so much and need you more than ever.

  No your moving on, with someone who expects to come before our daughter. I know you will never put anything above her so I worry. This relationship is severely impulsive to be kind and is not right for Rosalie. She wants us. Only us. This is very clear. I am willing to spend my entire life repairing the damage I've caused. Making amends for poor choices and handing myself over to our higher power. I feel strongly more and more that our love is not dead. I believe you can look to me with those eyes deep as the ocean again with love even admiration. I'll never be perfect but I'm sure i'm perfect for you.

   The Lord doesn't speak to use through words I don't think. When it's words I believe it's our own voices. I believe he is telling us this with simple things. Things like the matching teeth. highly improbable or the fact that we see the same things in our daughter and choose the same course. Doing this without prior knowledge from the other. Just like the Rose tattoo that was once red on me and faded pink. Faded pink for you.

   Whatever you decide Rose and I will always have your back. As much as it may hurt. Hurt BOTH of us, Rose and I. If it hurts us both it will surely hurt you in the end as well. I know what will happen. I also know you can't see it right now.

   You are worth fighting for! our love is worth fighting for and working through. Just look at pumpkin and you will see. I don't suggest that we reconcile simply because we have a child. I suggest it because YOU are the only woman in the world that I could ever possibly be with. I strongly see that we are the only people capable of raising Rosalie, and she deserves us to do it together. Finally, because I know that I am the only man in all of creation that you can completely be yourself at all times with. I know I love you more than you ever thought possible and always will. I am willing, with no stress of action to be entirely what you need. What I lack I can make up for where I exceed the bounty will always shine unto you.

    Laura Lee you are my love my only, just the way you are. From how you were to who you are now and all the growth and change that will change you in the future. If you read this I know you'll believe it to be true. Nothing I've ever expressed has ever been more true.

Philly